Classic Pumpkin Cookies

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving!

I admit that I cooked absolutely nothing for the big day.  Instead the Mister and I drove to Dayton, my hometown, where my dad grilled shrimp and smoked turkey and my mom made enough hors d’oeuvres and side dishes to populate Chef Juje posts until the end of time.

My parents’ Thanksgiving table.

Something about being home for Thanksgiving reminded me of a favorite memory from growing up.  On Fridays, my mom would take Chef Aud and me to Books and Company where we’d peruse bookshelves, decide on a selection and then enjoy a treat at the cafe.  This was years before giant bookstores Barnes and Noble entered the scene, so we always felt quite sophisticated as we sat engrossed in our paperbacks and sipping on hot chocolate.

I always ordered a pumpkin cookie too.

This is a recreation of my favorite childhood treat. Over the Thanksgiving weekend, I consumed about four of these a day, so I think they are pretty close to the real deal.  I spooned flour into the measuring cup instead of scooping it; supposedly scooping makes for a lighter, fluffier texture.

Next time, I’ll probably press the tops of each ball of dough with a spoon to create rounder tops.  The tops of mine were a little jagged, which made icing the cookies a little difficult.   I mean, it doesn’t REALLY matter as toward the end of this weekend I was barely even looking at the cookie before devouring it. You, though, may care about making cookies presentable.

Phone photo of cookie, as I still have not yet charged my actual camera.

Classic Pumpkin Cookies
Makes about 2-3 dozen, depending on the size of cookies and your propensity to taste-test.

Ingredients

2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon, plus a bit more for icing
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup butter, softened
1 1/2 cups white sugar
1 cup canned pumpkin puree
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 cups confectioners’ sugar
3 tablespoons milk
1 tablespoon melted butter
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Directions – Cookies

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).

2. In a medium bowl, combine flour, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, nutmeg,and salt.

3. In a second medium bowl, or using the bowl of a standing mixer, cream together the 1/2 cup of butter and white sugar.  I used the paddle attachment of my standing mixer. Oh look! Here is a Serious Eats slideshow on creaming butter and sugar, which would have been super helpful for me to review before making these cookies.

4. Add pumpkin, egg, and 1 teaspoon vanilla to butter mixture, and beat until creamy. Mix in dry ingredients.  Drop on cookie sheet by tablespoonfuls; flatten slightly.

5. Bake for 15 to 20 minutes in the preheated oven. While the cookies bake, make the icing – see below.

6. Wait until cookies cool and then add the glaze.  I love my icing, so I kind of slathered it on.  You can also drizzle with a fork if you (gasp!) are not such an icing fan.

Directions – Glaze

Combine confectioners’ sugar, milk, 1 tablespoon melted butter, 1 teaspoon vanilla and a sprinkle or two of cinnamon. Add milk as needed, to achieve drizzling consistency.

Next time I might even double the icing recipe…as I tried to reduce cookie consumption by breaking off a piece at a time, I found myself trying to break off the highly-iced parts. Yum for me, not so yum if you live with me and also want cookies.

Source: Adapted from All Recipes


Jalapeno Cheddar Biscuits

I know most of you are probably preparing this giant multi-course feast for Thanksgiving and I’m over here like LOOK AT ME I MADE BISCUITS*.   I’m just really in no position to even think about preparing an entire turkey dinner so I’m still thinking small.

Plus I really like these biscuits AND I was able to snag a few pictures of the baking process.  I’m discovering that baking involves a whole separate set of skills from typical cooking. I’ve talked before about weighing vs. measuring dry ingredients and the art of careful mixing. As you’ll see, I tried to be quite precise by kneading enough-but-not-too-much only to forget to add the cheddar and jalapenos until the last minute and eventually over-kneading the dough after all. Ah, the struggles of a newbie cook.

I love this recipe because it’s simple, even for not-yet-bakers like myself, and involves ingredients that I usually have on hand. We’ve been eating them on their own as a snack but they’d be great with, say, a bowl of chili or another spicy dish.

Clockwise from top left, an illustration of adding the ingredients, forming a well and then gently kneading together.  Imagine jalapenos and cheddar included from the beginning.

This recipe is adapted from Simply Recipes, but I’m looking forward to trying other varieties too.  My friend over at Live Love and Sustain has a version using butter and buttermilk that looks fantastic.

Jalapeno Cheddar Scones 

Ingredients

1 1/3 cups all-purpose flour
1/4 cup  corn meal
3 tablespoons  sugar
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
Pinch cayenne pepper
1 1/2 cups shredded sharp cheddar cheese, divided (1 1/4 cup and 1/4 cup)
2 tablespoons diced fresh jalapeños (I used two jalapenos, seeded and diced)
3/4 cup + 2 tablespoons heavy cream plus extra for brushing

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 425°F. Use a large bowl, mix together flour, corn meal, salt, sugar, cayenne and baking powder.

2. Stir in the 1 1/4 cups cheddar and diced jalapenos. I forgot to do that in the picture above and I did it afterwards. Oops.

3. Make a well in the center of the flour mixture. (You do this so the dry ingredients can be added a little at a time). Pour cream into the center of the well and, using your hands, mix the ingredients together. Gently! Add more cream a tiny bit at a time if necessary. The bottom photo is what mine looked like after the 3/4 cup cream, so I added a bit more.

4.  Place the dough on a surface lightly dusted with flour.  Knead a couple of times until the dough just comes together.  Just a few pushes will do; over-kneading will yield a more dense biscuit.

5. Form a large disc with the dough, about 3/4 inch thick.  Using a biscuit cutter (if you have one) cut shapes out from the dough.  Combine leftover dough and repeat until all the dough is used.  I’ve gone for the rustic look before by just eyeballing the biscuit shape; I’ve also cut the large dough disc like a pie into six sections to form scones. Anything goes, really.

Look at my new biscuit cutter!

 

6.  Place biscuits on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper, leaving about an inch or so between each biscuit.  Brush the tops of the biscuit with the remaining cream and top with remaining cheese.

 

7. Bake at 425°F (220°C) for 11-12 minutes or until the biscuit appears golden and the cheese has melted.

Placemats! A new background for Chef Juje creations.

*Yes, of course I stole that from a popular election e-card


Chili!

Blogging brunch is this weekend! I’m very excited and making my mom’s Sherried Egg Bake.

You should know, by the way,  that my mom is a very talented cook.  I’m not just saying this. Come over for thanksgiving dinner (call her first) and you will see.

You should also know that I tend to be a big picture person. So although I distinctly remember my mom being a great cook growing up, I have zero idea of how she actually cooked anything. Great meals magically appeared on the counter. You can see how I’m in a bit of a predicament as a grown-up.

Anyways, this is all to say that I positively remember having chili growing up but have no recollection of how it was created. In fact, somewhere post-college I got the idea that chili was only made using ground beef and those little flavor packets.

I mean, it’s good enough. But then I started hearing about these chili cook-offs and realized that there must be more to it than just those packages. Plus, as you’ve likely learned by now, if there’s an easy way or a difficult way to do something I will choose the tougher route 99% of the time.  So I tried something new using cubes of chuck and different blend of spices.  Now that I’ve built a substantial spice rack (fine, drawer) and have learned to keep staple pantry items on hand, this wasn’t as difficult as I had imagined.

And oh how the effort was worth it! Next time I will let it simmer a little more to reduce further. I also learned that people sometimes put chocolate in chili. Chocolate?!?! Done.

Chili con Carne

Look at the dramatic placement of the bowl! Also, I got new placemats (possibly, ahem, just for this blog) that will debut in a future post. Get excited.

Ingredients:
2 Tbsp red chili powder
1 teaspoon Tabasco chipotle sauce or 1 teaspoon chipotle chili powder (which I could not find…)
1 Tbsp ground cumin
2 teaspoons ground oregano
1 teaspoon thyme
1/2 teaspoon ground coriander seeds
3-4 Tbsp water
One 2 1/2 pound chuck roast, cut into 1/2-inch cubes
Salt
1 medium white onion, chopped
3 cloves garlic, minced
2 jalapeño chili peppers,  minced
1 14-oz can whole tomatoes
2 1/2 cups water
1 Tbsp lime juice
1 teaspoon sugar
1 14-oz can red kidney beans, drained and rinsed
1 teaspoon cornstarch, dissolved in 2 Tbsp of water
Salt

Directions

1.Mix the chili powder, Tabasco chipotle/chipotle powder, ground cumin, oregano, thyme, and ground coriander seeds in a small bowl. Mix in water so that chili forms a light paste.

2. Heat a pan over medium high heat and add 1 Tbsp olive oil.  Brown the beef cubes on all sides and lightly salt as the beef cooks.  You may need to work in batches so you don’t overcrowd the pan. Overcrowding the pan (that is, having the beef cubes on top of each other or squished together) will reduce the heat of the pan,  leading the beef to steam and making it difficult for the beef to sear. Remove the beef cubes.

3.  Add another tablespoon of olive oil and sautee the onions until soft and translucent – around 5 minutes. Add the garlic and jalapeño for about 1 minute, until fragrant.  Then add the chili paste mixture and cook for an additional 2-3 minutes.

4.  Put onion chili mixture, beef, bacon, tomatoes (breaking up the tomatoes with your hands as you place in the pot), water, lime juice and sugar into a thick-bottomed dutch oven, uncovered,  over medium high heat.  Wait for the chili to come to a simmer, then reduce the heat to low.   Cover and cook for 1 1/2 hours. Then uncover and cook for another 30 minutes, raising the heat if necessary to keep the temperature high enough to maintain a gentle simmer.

5.   Add the cornstarch dissolved in water to the chili to thicken it. Dissolving the cornstarch first keeps it from getting lumpy in your chili.  Mix in the kidney beans.  Add salt to taste. Adjust seasonings – add sugar if too acidic, add chili powder for more heat.

6. Garnish with shredded cheddar cheese, sour cream, crumbled tortilla chips or your other favorite chili toppings.

Serves 4-6.

Adapted from Simply Recipes.

 


Upcoming Adventures

I’m making plans!!

As (I hope) is extraordinarily evident, this blog–and my cooking–is a total work in progress. I like writing. I like cooking. But I LOVE learning.

So although it’s completely possible to just write from behind my computer screen and cook within the confines of our home kitchen, I’ve decided to branch out.

(Image from the event’s Facebook page.)

The first stop on my adventure is a Blogging Brunch on November 18 started by my friend Allie Lehman. It’s a potluck held at Brother’s Drake Meadery where we’ll chat about tips and ideas for our blogs. She has assured me that novice and sporadic bloggers like myself are welcome. I’m stoked (do people say that any more?) to learn from the perspective of more experienced bloggers.

I’m also excited to spend the next week testing out new brunch recipes for the potluck and have started a Pinterest board of brunch ideas. Any other suggestions of winning recipes?

In addition, I just signed up to participate in Columbus Soup and Bread with No Chefs Allowed at Woodland’s Tavern on December 4th. (Grammar sidenote – wow that sentence involved a lot of prepositions.) We each bring soup to share with the group and the whole event benefits Mid-Ohio Foodbank. I conveniently forgot to tell the organizers that I have never actually made soup before, so this will be interesting. Again a pinterest page and again I’m accepting ideas. Also they’re still accepting new participants so you’re welcome to join me!


Finally, and this part isn’t so new, I’m hoping to catch another North Market cooking class. I love the classes at North Market, as they’re taught by local, passionate chefs who share and demonstrate their recipes. Plus you get a full three-to-four-course meal. Plus wine. Amazing.

I’ve been looking at the Bodega class since I recently had their Shrimp and Grits, which put mine to shame and Chef Marcus Meacham was recently profiled in Columbus Underground.

What cooking classes have you been to or heard of recently?


Herbed Rice Pilaf

“I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.”
-Mitch Hedberg.

I understand that rice is not always the most exciting side dish in the world. Even in our house, rice is usually an afterthought.  It’s often my answer when I present a dinner idea and Mr. Chef Juje replies  ”Sounds good, with what?” only for me to realize I hadn’t thought that far ahead.

Note to self: build my arsenal of side dishes.

Naturally, the fact that this herbed pilaf ended up being the highlight of our dinner was a huge surprise. I served with a new shrimp scampi recipe and although the scampi was categorized  ”make-again,” the rice was deemed “Chef Juje-worthy.”

So here we are.   The recipe relies on the pilaf method of cooking rice, which is similar to steaming except that you sautee  {insert accent aigu over the first e} the rice first with aromatics like onions. You then add liquid and either bake in the oven or keep over low heat on the burner until all liquid is absorbed.  As always, I recommend chopping and measuring before beginning.

Also, a question for my readers: What are some go-to side dishes in your repertoire? How do you find sides to accompany your main dish?

I need to work on my photography skills. And my cleaning-off-the-kitchen-table skills.  Like how I added the fork to make it fancy looking?

Herbed Rice Pilaf

Ingredients

2 tablespoons unsalted butter
1/2 cup chopped yellow onion
1 cup long-grain white rice
3 tablespoons thinly sliced scallions
1/2 teaspoon chopped fresh thyme leaves
2 cups chicken stock
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees, if you want to bake in the oven. You can also keep on stovetop over low heat.
2. Melt butter over medium heat
3. Add onion and sautee for 3-4 minutes or until soft a nice golden to brown color.
4. Add rice and sautee for 2-3 minutes. The mixture will become cloudy and will smell a bit nutty. At this point others in your household will exclaim “something smells good!” and ONLY YOU need to know that it’s just onions, butter and rice.
5. Add the remaining ingredients and stir.
6. Bring to boil, then either reduce to low or place in a 350 degree oven.
7. Allow rice to cook until all liquid is absorbed. Fluff before serving

Source for rice: Herbed Rice Pilaf

Source for shrimp scampi: Baked Shrimp Scampi


Soy-Marinated Flank Steak and Chef Aud Throws a Dinner Party

I traveled to Washington, DC the other weekend to celebrate my grandma’s birthday and to visit my sister, Chef Aud.

I learned several things.  One, I should never complain about Columbus traffic EVER AGAIN.   Two,  it is safer to hang clothes in the backseat of a car behind the driver, not behind the passenger (don’t ask). Three, Chef Aud is a fabulous cook.

Whereas I often struggle with just cooking for the mister and me, Chef Aud prepared a full dinner for twelve of us. Twelve! Cooked-to-order flank steak.  With appetizers.  And dessert.  And no tears.

The star of the dinner was this flank steak with a tangy soy marinade.  I typically only (and always!) marinate meats for grilling,  but she   made it work with a cast iron skillet instead.  When I tried this at home, I made sure I had a chair underneath the smoke detector just in case.

Flank is best at rare or medium rare. This one is a bit on the rare side, which is what I prefer.

The carnivore in me was  delighted. Thrilled, even!  I hope you enjoy this as much as we did.

Soy Marinated Flank Steak

Ingredients
1 cup soy sauce
1/4 cup packed light-brown sugar
3 tablespoons cider vinegar
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
2 teaspoons Dijon mustard
1 teaspoon red-pepper flakes
1/4 teaspoon ground pepper
1 flank steak (about 1.5 or 2 pounds)

Directions
1. In a 9 x 13 baking dish, combine all ingredients but the flank steak. Then add the flank steak, cover securely, and swish mixture around so that it covers the top of the flank steak as well.

2. Marinate in refrigerator for 1-2 hours, turning the steak every so often so that all sides of the steak receive equal marinade.

3. Heat cast iron skillet to high.

4. Cook steak for 2-3 minutes on each side, or until browned. This is what mine looked like, though in retrospect it could have perhaps used a minute more on each side:

You will see that some of the marinade started to caramelize. I believe it’s a hazard of cooking a marinated steak on the stove top. I’m OK with this.

5. Remove cast iron skillet from heat and let steaks sit for about 10 minutes.

6. Then move steaks to cutting board, cover with tin foil and let rest. Resting allows the muscles of the meat to relax and creates a more tender steak.

Sources: Marinade recipe by Martha Stewart.  Technique by Simply Recipes.


Try, Try Again: Shrimp and Asparagus Risotto

I’ve become slightly obsessed with risotto since my last attempt at making the dish at home.

This is partly because I wasn’t entirely convinced I could replicate my one and only risotto success and partly because I bought this large canister of arborio rice that seems to taunt me every time I open our cupboard.

So Sunday evening I found myself with a good chunk of alone time (my favorite way to cook! no one to see when I mess up and start over!) and more patience and inspiration than I typically have on a given weeknight.

Voila risotto.

OK fine, I watched the Rouxbe risotto video and consulted a zillion recipes and reviewed my notes from my last risotto attempt.

Someday I’ll post photographs of the actual steps involved.  For me, photos of  ”this-is-what-the-dish-should-look-like” and “this-is-not-what-your-dish-should-look-like-at-all-start-over” examples are really helpful, particularly for each step of the project.  Or a video!! A chef Juje video!! Oooh ideas….

The risotto jar still taunts me, though, so risotto will certainly make an appearance again in the near future.  Any ideas? What are your favorite risotto combinations?

Shrimp and Asparagus Risotto

(makeshift from several recipes I found online, including Simply Recipes and The Broke… Gourmet)

Ingredients

1 cup arborio rice
6 stalks asparagus, cut into 1-inch or so pieces
2 cups shrimp, peeled and deveined – use little ones or cut big ones in half
4-5 cups water (you can also use stock)
3 tbsp butter
1 large shallot or onions, minced almost to the size of a grain of rice
1 tsp of red pepper flakes (omit if you don’t like the heat!)
1/4 cup dry white wine, such as Sauvignon Blanc

Directions:

1. Bring the 4-5 cups of water/stock to boil
2.Melt 2 tbsp butter in large, heavy-bottomed pot over low heat. I used a dutch oven the last time, this time I used a large stainless steel saucepan.
3. Place the onions in the pot and “sweat” for about 15 minutes, until soft and translucent
4. Turn heat up to medium-high. Add the rice and stir constantly until the edges of the grains of rice are translucent. This will take just a few minutes.   The purpose of “toasting” the rice here is to make the edges of the grains of rice sturdy enough to release the starch.
5. Add the white wine and stir until it is evaporated.
6. Add the hot liquid (water or stock) cup by cup until it is absorbed by the rice. Each time water is added, stir regularly to extract the starch. Monitor the heat so it is always at a gentle boil. Keep adding water until the rice is done but not too soft. Taste frequently!
7. Stir in asparagus, shrimp, Parmesan cheese (if desired) and red pepper flakes (also if desired). Continue to cook until shrimp are pink and firm.
8. Garnish with Parmesan cheese and serve!


Mustard Roasted Potatoes

There’s really nothing like a simple, delicious recipe.

A dish that only requires a few ingredients, a couple of steps and basic techniques will always have a special place in my kitchen.

These mustard-roasted potatoes from Ina Garten are perfect. Normally cooking requires TOTAL FOCUS on my part, with zero distractions and complete concentration. However, I was able to prepare these AND watch football at the same time. In fact, this might be the best way to watch football yet, with “on fast-forward” coming in a close second.

A note about ingredients. The original recipe calls for red potatoes; I used Yukon Gold potatoes here because I had them.  Also,  I used the whole-grain mustard that is recommended. Whole grain mustard consists of mustard seeds that are mixed with seasonings like honey, turmeric, garlic, and brown sugar. Oh look, you over-achievers can even make it yourself!

Ingredients:
2 1/2 pounds small red potatoes (or small Yukon Gold potatoes)
2 yellow onions
3 tablespoons olive oil
2 tablespoons whole-grain mustard
salt
1 teaspoon ground black pepper
1/4 cup chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley

Directions:
Preheat oven to 425. (If someone you love accidentally recently left a pizza in the oven for about four hours too long and you haven’t been able to clean the oven yet, put a chair by the smoke detector. This saves time and panic later.)

Cut the potatoes into small, relatively equal pieces. Cutting vegetables into equal pieces helps ensure even cooking.

Cut onions in half, cut ends off, peel, then cut into 1/4 inch slices.

Place onions, potatoes, olive oil, mustard, salt and pepper in a securely covered bowl or a Ziplock bag. Toss together. You can also do this on the sheet pan you’ll use to roast the veggies.

Place mixture on sheet pan and bake for about 50 minutes or until the potatoes are slightly brown on the outside and tender on the inside. I use a knife to determine done-ness.

Next time I’ll toss the potatoes during cooking to make sure all sides get evenly browned. I didn’t this time, which resulted in some sides more brown than others.

Sprinkle with parsley and serve!

Source:  Mustard Roasted Potatoes

 


Maque Choux (a la Katalina’s)

I’m back!!!

The husband and I spent the last few weeks of summer traveling, squeezing in a few final outdoor activities and spending a lot of time out of the kitchen.   And I had a bit of a bumpy start getting back into the groove of cooking and recovering from a few minor setbacks like periwinkle purple potatoes and enchiladas turned into pizzas:

 

{by the way, a secret I learned was to wrap tortillas in damp paper towels and microwave for a minute}

Anyways, I’ve decided to give cooking another go and I’m SO excited to share a new recipe with you.

This Maque Choux recipe is from a North Market cooking class I attended featuring Kathleen from Katalina’s Cafe Corner.  Every single thing she presented was fantastic, but I decided to start with Maque Choux because it was a.) relatively fool-proof, b.) sufficiently spicy for my “I-put-hot-sauce-on-everything” husband and c.) my favorite dish prepared that evening.

 

A few notes:  I have a flat ceramic stovetop so I broiled the poblano chiles on high in the broiler with the door open just slightly.   I turned them over every couple of minutes until they were a little charred.  I then scraped off the charred bits and chopped.  It worked!!! I’m always so surprised when a chef’s tip actually works FOR ME.

Giant Life Lesson that I Still Have Not Learned:   So as we were making one of the dishes, Kathleen ended up putting too much of something in.  I forget what it was, I think flour for the roux for her “croque senior” (insert swizzle accent on the “n”; also amazing, maybe coming soon.).  Anyways, you know what happened? She did NOT panic.  She did NOT cry.  She did NOT toss in her apron and swear off cooking forever.  She just shrugged and said she cooks by feeling and adjusted.  Oh how such equanimity is lacking from the Chef Juje kitchen!  If only it were an ingredient like baking soda or milk!

Someday, I will learn.

And with that, I present to you Katalina’s Maque Choux. It is absolutely delicious with a bit of a kick due to the red pepper flakes.  Remember that you can always add heat but you can’t take it back as easily.

Ingredients:

3 ears corn, shucked
3 Tbsp butter
1/4 cup yellow onion, finely diced
1/2 cup celery, finely diced
1/4 red pepper, finely diced
1/2 roasted poblano pepper, findely diced
1 cup ripe tomato, finely diced
1/2 cup heavy cream
1 tbsp red pepper flakes (I used 1 tsp crushed red pepper instead)
2 green onions, finely sliced – use green tops
1/4 cup fresh cilantro, coarsely chopped
salt and pepper

Directions:

Prepare corn – cut corn 3/4 way through into a bowl.  There should be a little bit of the corn kernel left on the cob.  Then use the back of your knife, scrape the remaining corn from the cobs into the same bowl. Scrape over and over to get that “juice” from the cobs.  This isn’t a make-or-break action, in my opinion, but it definitely adds to the flavor of the dish.

Melt butter in pan over medium heat. Add onion, celery, and red pepper; saute until just al dente — you still want some crunch.  Add corn, tomatoes, cream and red pepper flakes, then simmer until reduced (about 10 minutes).  Add green onions, poblano, salt and pepper, then stir.

Finally, remove from heat.  Serve however you want – it’s delicious hot, at room temperature or even cold.  Use cilantro as a garnish.

In class we ate with a fork, but at home we eat it with tortilla chips.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Fool-Proof Recipe for Disaster

Things had really been going too well.  The blog got a facelift and I’d been having so much fun at the farmer’s markets and the Chef Juje household had been consistently well fed.

Until yesterday.

Enter purple potatoes.

I’ve eaten purple potatoes before! I like them! Even roasted, which apparently is not the preparation that purple potatoes prefer.

 

Even when I took this picture I knew there were different potatoes involved. I hid the bright purple ones in back! And thought nothing of it!

But yesterday, I tried a simple recipe for fork-roasted purple potatoes from a favorite blogger, Smitten Kitchen, and things got ugly.    And with no further ado, I present to you my fail-proof recipe for disaster (part 1 of probably many).

1.  Buy purple potatoes from the farmer’s market. Casually ignore the fact that there are two large potatoes that look VERY DIFFERENT from the other potatoes.

2. Wash potatoes well (actually, this is actually a non-sarcastic good idea) and discover – then ignore- even more differences between the two varieties.

3.  Bring a pot of water to boil.  Don’ t put the potatoes in first and don’t put enough water in to cover the potatoes.

4.  Dump potatoes into boiling water.  Do not care that the potatoes are different sizes or are, in fact, different potatoes. Also, make sure that only the bottom halves of the potatoes are covered in water.

5.  Cook potatoes for about 15 minutes. Think to yourself that the potatoes are supposed to be tender, realize they are not tender, and proceed anyways.

6. Begin peeling potatoes when really HOT to the touch. Curse and then stop yourself, realizing you weren’t going to yell while cooking any more.

7. Mash potatoes with a fork. Discover two potatoes are white and starchy on the inside. Discard those – ick.

8. When you have trouble mashing with a fork, decide to ask for help from husband (also OK to really do).

9. Before husband arrives in kitchen, PANIC!  You want a good, boiling PANIC. Reach for the milk and add to the potatoes, because that seems like a great idea.

10.  {wow failure involves a lot of steps} Mix undercooked, dry potatoes with milk until the color reaches a periwinkle to cerulean blue.  Because potatoes that look like Smurf doo-doo are really appetizing.

11.  Cry. Discard potatoes. Go to Dairy Queen and buy onion rings for dinner.

12. Google “how to boil potatoes” and feel REALLY GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF when the kitchn.com post begins with “Boiling potatoes is definitely about as basic as you can get!”

Alas,  I live and learn.  In the meantime, ARGH.